Keeping the faith..

Am currently in a phase of my life where i have absolutely no faith in myself to take the right decision. It is exactly the same case in my personal life as it is in my professional. Since its the same me who is affected in both the scenarios, i guess it makes sense that it is connected.

Days are running by me. I keep myself so occupied and surrounded by friends(Thank u god for all the good friends i have been blessed with!!), i never get time for introspection or to stop for a moment and think what exactly do i do to change my path?!

Should i just wait and watch what future has in store for me? But, isnt that a loser's attitude. To stop trying to change my life. Waiting and watching never made anyone succesful. I see success stories all around me. But, when is my story gonna be a success? I want many things from life, but its all just beyond my arm's reach.

There is no one i can turn to, no one can take my life's decisions for me. I wish i knew what the right decision was. But, you always realize that only in retrospection.

I have been praying for a change for the past few months now. And, a change is definitely going to happen in 2 weeks. I keep reminding myself that whatever happens..happens for a reason.. but is it always a good reason??.. well.i just need to hang onto my faith.

Its been a long time, a really long time. I wanna come back to blogging, but im scared of taking the first step. The past few months in my life have been fine. Rewarding in some aspects, but not so much in some others. There were a few major disappointments, good surprises, lots of occasions to laugh and some really wonderful memories.

The biggest joy at present -am gonna be an aunt!!!.. im mallu terms.. a Kunjama... The sad part is that I do not know when I will see my nephew :(.. I wish I had my own private jet to visit my sis whenever I wanted.. feel the kid's kick on her tummy.. I wonder what it feels like! hmm..

Life in chennai.. in my pg has been really good.. its good to have a family away from ur family.. they never really come close to your real family.. but it still feels good being a part of a family when ur away from your real family.. This house has helped me gain a different perspective about life.. these interactions have helped me gain an understanding about a different society.. a society of which I could never be a part of.. its been an interesting ride.. after 1 year of having a room all to myself im getting a room mate from next month!! .. hope it turns out fine..

On the professional side, things are not as exciting as it used to be.. dono whether its me or the work.. things are still the same.. but they are somehow different.. umm..I am not making any sense I guess.. I never will when it comes to work... im just another lost IT professional.. nothing new there..

I am having another insomnia attack...its 2.oo am ..have been waiting for a phone call.. hmm..in vain.. Wonder what tomorrow is gonna bring.. I wish I had a magic mirror to see the future..life would have been so much easier.. The question isnt whether my phone will ring tomorrow?? The question is do I want it to ring?? .. What do I tell the person on the other end of the line??!! only tomorrow will tell!!..

So I finally took the first step.. a shaky one id say!!.. I think my writing has gone from bad to worse.. ill just have to come back more often .. :) ..

moving on..

New city, new friends, new life. I dono if i am the same person anymore. Am i a new me??
I have not been able to put my thoughts into words in this blog for the past few months. Not that i was lacking words, in fact words were overflowing inside me. I felt it was too personal to put it down here. My dearest blog lost its purpose, i felt betrayed. I cannot go on with these pointless ramblings. It was all an illusion.
Who was magneta really, did such a person really exist. I feel like a five year old, who creates an imaginary friend to have fun with. A split personality?? who am i kidding! Anyways..enough is enough.
I thought id say goodbye to blogger in this blog. But its too difficult. I am moving on with my life. I dono if i will ever come back here.I hope i do, coz like everything else in life..this too shall pass.

phoenix rising..

A tornado has been ravaging through the inner parts of my brain. Its about time for it to subside, but it strikes back in full force at the least expected time. How can a person lose sight of everything that meant something to her.
Breaking free from all the bonds, i wanna be like the phoenix rising from her ashes. It has to rise .. it cant get buried under the debris.That is not how things happen in fairy tales.But alas, life is not a fairy tale. Why did they have to fill our brain with all those stories with happy endings. Happy endings dont happen in real life. In real life, people face broken hearts, sadness, misery, loneliness, disillusionment, etc, etc..
Everything happens for a reason, the reason might not be visible now, but later on in life i will look back and be glad things happened the way it did. Yes, i will be glad..

present mood: "in the end it doesnt even matter.."

Im back...

Dear dear blog! how Ive missed you.I refuse to let you die.. Writing from a cafe is just not possible, my dear. And its sad blogspot is banned in office.. So many things to share with you. Chennai has been good to me most of the time, except for an incident which happened few weeks back. I was robbed..
It was a usual weekend outing to the very crowded besant nagar beach. So, im walking home with my buddies searching for a share auto around 7 pm. When out of nowhere an auto comes from behind, the auto driver snatches my handbag, which I was holding in my hand.I pull hard, but he is too fast and strong.I scream, my friends think ive been hit by the auto. They see my empty hand and my swearing makes everything clear. I try to note the auto regisration number, but he is too fast.. zooms off dhoom style. I really hope he crashed somewhere real hard. I immediately call and block my debit card. The material losses were :around 400 bucks, debit card(new one cost me another 200 bucks), a beautiful leather purse my sis had given me, but most of all it was anjana's brand new titan leather watch which she has bought with her first salary and had given me for safe keeping. Some safe keeping i had done!! Poor girl, she was heart broken.
This event affected me psychologically more than i could ever imagine.Ive read numerous accounts of purse and chain snatching happening in the city but u never expect something like this to happen to you. The whole thing happened in slow motion, but it was so fast. The few seconds really affected me. Im kinda paranoid nowadays. People I dono are watching and observing me and they will strike at the most unexpected of moments.. I just know it. Being miles from home din help. Im still scared of going out alone. My friends were very supportive throughout.. Its gonna take some time for the wound to heal completely..

Then there were the numerous attempts to watch a movie after coming to chennai. People here are movie buffs I guess. Wednesday morning booking starts in Satyam for the weekend. But by wednesday afternoon,most of the movies are fully booked!! Unbelievable..
So we finally get tickets for dhoom2(..as guru was fully booked). So saturday we happily go for our first theatre experience in the very famous Satyam cinemas. The seats are extremely comfortable, which is too much to expect from trivandrum theatres which give me a back ache .. and are pretty cramped .. Anyways back to dhoom2. *Drum roll* Hritic appears to be falling down from the sky looking super hot and I settle for another 2 hours of drooling over hritik, i have to say im not his big fan .. but months of movie depreviation works wonders.. im ready to accept all the crap. Suddenly the theatre goes dark. We wait silently.. it must be some minor hitch. After a few minutes the screen comes alive. Lots of fighting and then hritik starts swaying to the beats of dhoom again..*drool*
Suddenly there is a loud noise from the projector room and the theatre is plunged in darkess yet again .We start shouting now.. minutes pass .. After around 10 minutes, 2 pretty girls come and inform us that the show has been cancelled due to technical fault and we will be given our money back. What the..!!!! Gosh.. The great Satyam Cinemas!!!! Disgusting!!Despicable!! A precious weekend ruined!.. So my dream remains unfulfilled..

Other than these two events, life in this metro city has been fun.. sometimes boring, still enjoyable.. Im changing, I can feel it.. we all change, dont we? Life throws things at us. We grumble at our fate, but in the end we accept the changes and move ahead..
will try to keep u posted with my adventures.. till then .. adios amigos ..

dizzy..

Chennai has left me dizzy..the traffic, the crowd, the metro life.Gonna take time.but i think i will come to like this place.The sun is a bit too harsh,thank god for ac and umbrellas, I will live.
The company campus was pretty impressive, high standards.I like it :)
Got a good pg accomodation with college mates.so happy.Life wont be boring, of that I am sure. Making a lot of good friends. Slowly releasin my hold on things I was holding on tightly to.Like they say.. u let go of what is dear to u.If it comes back to u.It was always yours. But too early to let go completely..hope it never comes to that.
Oops. wrong place. so back to my new life.. the blunders im making converting malayalam to tamil!..Its hilarious..

The guard tells me:"pathe pathe" I reply.."pathu pathu"(kandu kandu:D ) (only people who knw both malu and tamil will get it I guess.)

But picking up the language fast,or so i think.People are extremely helpful.Kinda reserved though. Extremely reserved actually. but thts them.
anyways..that is it for now.. this is after just 3 days in chennai!
will be updating my new opinions..i sure hope it wont be the lost optimist talking then.

at the threshold..

The birdie's back after a test run.. the weather was great. The peckings were decent. The company was perfect. The total experience was rocking! I loved the city.Covia aka Coimbatore was totally great. The people there are so nice! so helpful.. the weather was chilly to start with, but got kinda hot towards the end.Bit sleepy like my home town..but still adorable..
PSG campus was mind blowing.One wierd thing was that it was always full of students! be it morning 8 or evening 8.That was unimaginable coming from cet,where the campus gets deserted by 5.
The 23 days flew by.Hostel life was fun, the group studies and city visits.Our rooms were part of the men's hostel..we woke up to the view of guys playing hockey or football or cricket or basketball.hehe.what a timepass!The guys living below us complained that we made too much noise!gosh!can u imagine.Guys complaining bout girls!!
psg was a learning experience, in a number of ways.For one thing,ive realised cetians are the first; be it to be thrown out of class or leave when the sir doesnt turn up!hehe!so different! We had absolutely no competition.i was under the misunderstanding that students were all the same whichever the college.guess i was wrong..way wrong!!
Made a lotta friends, girls mostly, which brings me to another thing i learned, tamilian guys dont talk to girls! Thts wht i figured, maybe im wrong, but they are definitely more reserved than malu guys..hmm.. lot more left in this world for me to figure out..

Entering the real world in a few days.There wont be any old friends to depend on this time, they join only after a month.Ill be on my own in the big bad corporate world. Wonder wht lies in store for me..
excited?? yea! terrified?? yea!!!
signing out with my fingers crossed.. :-SS